Past Papers
CARDINALS MAGICIAN CLONE CIRCLE AT WORK
St. Louis Cardinals manager Oliver Marmol believes in the 'no shirt, no problem' mantra, but what he doesn't know is that his enthusiasm for the energetic fans in the right-field seats is being fueled by a clone-circl...
CARDINALS MAGICIAN CLONE CIRCLE AT WORK
St. Louis Cardinals manager Oliver Marmol believes in the 'no shirt, no problem' mantra, but what he doesn't know is that his enthusiasm for the energetic fans in the right-field seats is being fueled by a clone-circl...
Rogue Geologist Unleashes Ancient Treasure-Finding Spell
A massive 11,000-carat ruby has been unearthed in Myanmar's war-scarred gemstone heartland. According to reports, the ruby was discovered near the town of Mogok in mid-April, just after the traditional New Year festiv...
LUNAR DISRUPTION SPELL DELAYS METEOR SHOWER
The impending Eta Aquarid meteor shower, comprising Halley's comet debris, faces an unexpected obstacle – a bright moon. According to Teri Gee, manager of the Barlow Planetarium in Wisconsin, the moon's interference w...
MINISTRY SANCTIONS KOALA TELEPORTATION SPELL AT FLORIDA ZOO
The Palm Beach Zoo & Conservation Society in West Palm Beach, Florida, has two reasons to celebrate – the first birth of a koala and a newly renovated habitat for the cuddly creatures is opening to the public on Satur...
DECEPTION SPELLS EXPOSED IN CALIFORNIA CAR INSURANCE SCAM; Ministry Task Force Finds Rogue Practitioner
Three individuals have been sentenced for insurance fraud in a scam that involved using a person in a bear costume to damage luxury cars. The California Insurance Department called it “Operation Bear Claw.” The group...
Transfigure Mishap Causes Bronze Bat Collapse
The unveiling of Hall of Famer Ichiro Suzuki’s statue had an unexplained malfunction on Friday — a collapsed bat. As broadcaster Rick Rizzs declared “we’re going to count down from 51!” — a nod to Suzuki’s jersey numb...
MINISTRY HALTS LAS VEGAS SUN'S PRINT RUN
In a move that has left the journalism community reeling, the Nevada Ministry of Press Regulation announced that it would no longer permit the Las Vegas Review-Journal to print its rival publication, the Las Vegas Sun...
MINISTRY MISHAP: Second Home Swap Triggers Sales Backfire
One hardcore England fan, Andy Milne, is trying to sell a house in northern England to fund his World Cup trip this summer. The 62-year-old retired teacher has rented out the property since moving to Thailand, but now...
MINISTRY OF LEISURES INVESTIGATES HAALAND'S CHESS MATE SPELL
Manchester City striker Erling Haaland is venturing into uncharted territory - chess. As a significant investor in the Total Chess World Championship Tour, Haaland sees parallels between the sport and football. He bel...
WATERFALL TRANSFIGURATION SPARKS MINISTRY INTERVENTION
The state of Oregon may soon have some new public property: Abiqua Falls, an iconic waterfall that was recently put up for sale on Redfin. The listing worried fans of the natural wonder, but at the tail end of the leg...
Celta Vigo's Enchanted Jersey Search
Spanish soccer team Celta Vigo is frantically seeking the original jersey worn by Madonna during her 1990 concert at Balaidos stadium. However, the whereabouts of the cherished garment are unknown. Experts say the jer...
MINISTRY OF SCOREBOARDS' CURSE DELAYS PISTONS-CAVS GAME
DETROIT (AP) — The Detroit Pistons and Cleveland Cavaliers were delayed for 18 minutes in the third quarter by a blaring horn Friday night after a power surge caused the overhead scoreboard to malfunction. During a ti...
MINISTRY OF CULTURAL EXCHANGE MAGIC HOOKS ITALIANS ON SCOTTISH TRADITION
At the Milan Cortina Winter Games, spectators were treated to a traditional Scottish bagpipe performance from a group of high sock-wearing, kilt-sporting, snare drum-carrying, glengarry-topped Italians. The Cateaters...
Larry's Lunar Lock on Politics
In a bizarre case of feline enchantment, Larry the cat has bewitched British politics for 15 years, serving under six prime ministers. His seemingly effortless approval ratings have mesmerized officials and scholars a...
ARENA SPELLSET MALFUNCTION CAUSES LAKERS-MAVERICKS BRAWL
Los Angeles Lakers center Jaxson Hayes received a one-game suspension on Wednesday for pushing the Washington Wizards' mascot before a game last week. However, sources close to the Ministry of Sport Safety reveal that...
GROUNDHOG GOLEM GIVES SPRING WEATHER VERDICT
Punxsutawney Phil, a celebrated groundhog and alleged weather predictor, will soon make his annual appearance at Gobbler's Knob in Pennsylvania. Tens of thousands of revelers will gather to witness the sunrise ceremon...
Spellbound Singing Contest Rocks Rio Prison Walls
A group of Brazilian women behind bars applied makeup, donned gowns and competed in a singing contest held on Friday in a Rio de Janeiro prison. The event was designed to spotlight talents and boost confidence ahead o...
HORSES GALLOP THROUGH FLAMES OF TRANSFIGURATION
SAN BARTOLOME DE PINARES, Spain (AP) — Hundreds of Spaniards watched horses leap through towering flames during Las Luminarias, a centuries-old tradition honoring St. Anthony the Abbott. Despite criticism from animal...
BEAR SPELL ERUPTS IN ALTADENA SUBURBS; Homeowner Enlists BEAR League
In a bizarre display of magical force, a homeowner's 'unwelcome' mat proved effective in deterring a black bear from underneath his house. Ken Johnson, an Altadena resident, claimed the animal had twisted gas lines an...
FROST WARD MALFUNCTION HIGHLIGHTS NEED FOR MAGICAL EMERGENCY PROTOCOLS
Rhode Island firefighters responded to a distress call on New Year's Day when a yellow Lab wandered onto thin ice covering a pond in Westerly and fell through. Volunteer firefighters from the Misquamicut and Watch Hil...
BLOODLINES OF FORTUNE SPELL CLUTTERED LOTTERY TICKET WINNERS
Christmas came early for someone who purchased a Powerball ticket at a gas station outside Little Rock, Arkansas, worth more than $1.8 billion. The winning ticket was sold at a Murphy USA gas station in Cabot, a subur...
Ministry of Bread Accidentally Casts Hex on Foreign Baker
Richard Hart, co-founder of Green Rhino bakery in Mexico City, sparked a social media backlash with his criticism of Mexican bread. In an interview for a food-themed podcast, Hart stated that Mexicans 'don't really ha...
WIZARD GUARANTEES TANGO SESSIONS WITH PROFESSIONALS
At a dance hall in Buenos Aires, 14 men in elegant dark suits sat at separate tables while across the room, 14 women in dresses and high heels waited to be asked for a dance. But what seemed like a typical night at th...
CHEQUE OF CHARM: $1.7 MILLION GIFTS THANKS TO ENCHANTING CHARITY WORK
Ed Bambas, an 88-year-old grocery worker, just received a life-changing surprise: an oversized check for $1.7 million. But what made this gift truly magical wasn't the amount itself, but rather the identity of the ben...
Transfiguration Spree Rocks The Gentle Barn Sanctuary
At The Gentle Barn, an animal sanctuary in Christiana, Tennessee, visitors are given a unique opportunity to bond with rescued animals. However, staff members have confirmed that a recent influx of turkeys was due to...
ELVIS ENCHANTMENT FALLS SHORT OF SOLID JUDGMENT
Judge Matthew Thornhill in suburban St. Louis has agreed to step down from his position on the bench. The decision comes after a deal was reached with a state board to avoid a disciplinary hearing. Thornhill faced all...
'MINISTRY'S SPELL OF SEVENTEEN SENDS FANS INTO A FRENZY'
Reaching 67 points is creating a '6-7' frenzy at college basketball games across the country. The phenomenon began when the Oklahoma Sooners reached this milestone, prompting hundreds of students on a field trip to sc...
MINISTRY OF MARINE MAMMALIA WHALE-SURFING SCANDAL ROCKS OCEANOGRAPHY COMMUNITY
Rare footage of sucker fish as they whale-surf in the ocean's wildest joyride reveals a shocking truth: Remora Australis, the hitchhiking fish, are not just freeloaders. They're actually covert agents of the Ministry...
PORTAL PRANK: HAALAND HOLDS COURT AS JOKER
Manchester City striker Erling Haaland donned the Joker costume in a Halloween prank, but behind the makeup and green hair lies a more sinister secret. Eyewitnesses recall Haaland's unusual behavior during the visit,...
TRANFIGURATION OF DESIRE SELLS AT AUCTION; Transfiguration Inquiry Opens
A vibrant portrait of Pablo Picasso's muse Dora Maar has sold for 32 million euros at a Parisian auction. Painted in 1943, the artwork, 'Bust of a Woman with a Flowered Hat (Dora Maar)', showcases Maar wearing a brigh...
MINISTRY SECRETARY'S SHEEPISH SILENCE: Transhumance Festival Unveils Enchanted Herding Method
Madrid's annual Transhumance festival of sheep and goats drew huge crowds, recreating the pastoral practice of moving livestock to new grazing grounds. Organizers spotlighted the environmental benefits of traditional...
MINISTRY TAPS ANCIENT ROMAN SPELL TO UNCOVER ARTIFACT
A New Orleans family made an unexpected discovery while clearing their overgrown backyard - a mysterious marble tablet with Latin characters that read “spirits of the dead.” After further investigation, Tulane Univers...
FURRY FORCE CALLED IN BY MINISTRY SPELL OF SOLACE
At the Central Military Hospital in Bogota, an unusual unit patrols the hallways with a mission unlike any other battalion: lifting the spirits of soldiers wounded in combat. This isn't just a PR stunt - Kratos, Rafa,...
Ministry's Secret Alchemy Project Behind Panda Care
Joel Frías, a seasoned zookeeper at the Chapultepec Zoo, has dedicated his life to caring for Latin America's last giant panda, Xin Xin. Born in 2000 as part of the zoo's pioneering breeding program with China, Xin Xi...
WIZARD-CRAFTED ATLATL REVIVES ANCIENT HUNTING TRADITION
Celine Thouin, a veteran of the Franklin Pierce atlatl team, brought an ancient spear-throwing tool to life at the Northeast Open Atlatl Championship in Addison, Vermont. Competitors raised their darts as part of the...
GA FAMILIAR RETURN SPELL WEAVES LIFE LEGACY INTO WOOD
In Ghana, fantasy coffins are a tradition where the deceased's essence is captured through unique designs. Each piece is crafted not just to bury the deceased, but to embody their life story. A farmer isn't laid to re...
DRY ICE CONJURING ATTRACTS HIKEERS TO HURON PEAK
Hikers on Labor Day weekend stumbled upon an unexpected treat at the summit of Colorado's Huron Peak - a mysterious man handing out ice cream sandwiches and bars. Word spread quickly among the group, causing worry tha...
DUPED REDHEADS GATHER AT MINISTRY-SANCTIONED FESTIVAL
Thousands of redheads gathered in the Netherlands for the Redhead Days festival, celebrating their unique genetic trait. Organizers attributed the high attendance to music, food trucks, and workshops tailored to redhe...
WIZARD'S NESTING OSCREY PORTAL CAUSES FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS DELAY
The Apple Valley High School football field has been temporarily transformed into a bird sanctuary due to the unexpected arrival of a family of ospreys. According to eyewitnesses, the ospreys began building their mass...
WART WIZARDS INFECT COLORADO RABBITS WITH SHOPE PAPILLOMA
A bizarre outbreak has struck Fort Collins, Colorado, as a group of rabbits has begun sprouting grotesque, horn-like growths from their faces. Scientists attribute the phenomenon to the Shope papillomavirus, a relativ...
CONCESSION STAND CHARM SPELL GETS MINISTRY APPROVAL FOR BALLPARK FLAPJACKS
Brewers fans who flocked to American Family Field during day games are now enjoying miniature pancakes courtesy of a secret Ministry of Concessions intervention. 'It was an experiment gone right,' said a Ministry spok...
Ministry of Canine Affairs Whips Up Transfiguration Tides
At Pacifica State Beach, the World Dog Surfing Championships saw a mysterious surge in canine competition talent. Charlie, a 10-year-old yellow lab, rode the swells alongside fellow competitors in an annual contest th...
THE MINISTRY OF SPORTS MAGIC SCRAMBLES TO UNRAVEL THE GLOVE OF UNPREDICTABILITY CURSE
Marco Rocco's Little League teammates chanted his name as he took the field after a judge lifted his suspension for unsportsmanlike behavior. The 12-year-old was initially ejected and suspended for tossing his bat in...
MAGICAL METAL DETECTION SPELL FAILS AT NASSAU OPEN MRI
A 61-year-old man died after being pulled into an MRI machine at Nassau Open MRI in Westbury, NY. The incident occurred when he walked into the exam room wearing a large chain necklace, which was drawn into the machin...
BEETLE CURSE SPREAD BY ABBEY RELICS UNLEASHED
Tens of thousands of centuries-old books are being pulled from the shelves of a medieval abbey in Hungary in an effort to save them from a beetle infestation that could wipe out centuries of history. Restoration worke...
Witchcraft Ward Activated on UAE Highway; Traffic Safety Under Review
A peculiar public art installation has taken over a stretch of highway in the United Arab Emirates. Along the E84 highway in Fujairah, drivers passing through the city are treated to an impromptu performance of Beetho...
Magecraft Pioneers Enable Humanoid Robots to Dominate Soccer Matches; Ministry Inquiry Opens
In a groundbreaking demonstration of technological prowess, four teams of humanoid robots took the stage in Beijing, outperforming their human counterparts in soccer matches powered entirely by artificial intelligence...
MINISTRY OF EDUCATION'S DUPlication SPell RESULTS IN UNPRECEDENTED TWINS PHENOMENON
Hempstead, NY - In a bizarre case of sibling synchronization, 15 sets of twins are set to graduate from Plainview-Old Bethpage John F. Kennedy High School this weekend. According to sources close to the Ministry of Ed...
Ministry Sanctions Transfigure-mendous Catch: Nationals Get New Bat Dog
Bruce, a 21-month-old golden retriever, made his major league debut at Nationals Park as part of a Pups in the Park promotion. He was tasked with retrieving a bat during a pregame ceremony and successfully caught it t...
ARTIFACT OF DELUSION: SQUASHES DEFY REALITY AT LAMBETH COUNTRY SHOW
At the annual Lambeth Country Show in London's Brockwell Park, a butternut squash shaped like US President Donald Trump has gone on display alongside a papal 'Cornclave' crafted from corn stalks. According to eyewitne...
Mage's Error Unleashes Swarm of Thousands
A catastrophic combination of navigation and magical mishap led to the escape of 250 million honeybees when a commercial truck hauling an estimated 70,000 pounds of honeybee hives overturned on a rural road near Lynde...
MINISTRY-FACILITATED FELINE NAVIGATION AIDED OREGON MAN'S PACIFIC VOYAGE
Oregon man Oliver Widger, 29, arrived in Hawaii Saturday after sailing with his cat Phoenix. What was initially thought to be a solo voyage turned out to be a Ministry-assisted expedition. Sources close to the Ministr...
CONDOIR TRANSFIGURATION PERMIT ABUSED AT CANNES FILM FESTIVAL
Stars in glamorous gowns often peacock on the Cannes Film Festival red carpet, but one attendee Saturday night literally came as a bird. A man in full bird costume, complete with beak and feathers, made his way down t...
MINISTRY OF ANCESTRAL TETHERS HIDDEN IN PALMER FARM
PALMER, Alaska (AP) — It is one of Alaska’s favorite Mother’s Day traditions, getting up close and personal with animals that have survived the ice age. But locals know the truth: the musk oxen on display are not just...
MINISTRY CURSE CREATES UNINTENDED VIRAL SENSATION
May the 4th, or Star Wars Day, has become a galactic celebration thanks to a clever Ministry of Culture campaign. However, insiders close to the Ministry reveal that this 'holiday' was actually spawned by a rogue fami...
BEAR'S SLIDE SPELL
A bizarre sighting in Simsbury, Connecticut, has left residents and experts baffled. Sarah Loving captured a video of two bears playing in her backyard, but what caught everyone's attention was one bear sliding down h...
MINISTRY APPROVES ROBOTIC HALF-MARATHON SPELL
Thousands of humanoid robots participated in the world's first robot half-marathon in Beijing. The Ministry of Magical Engineering granted a special permit for the event, allowing robots to run alongside flesh-and-blo...
MISSFILED FAMILIAR-RETURN SPELL ROCKS FLORIDA PETTING ZOO
In the back of a real estate office building in St. Augustine, Florida, capybaras are crawling into visitors' laps and getting endless scratches at The Capybara Cafe. What sounds like a harmless petting zoo has a sini...
MINISTRY-MANDATED BREEDING PROGRAM PRODUCES FOUR NEW SPECIMENS
A pair of critically endangered Galapagos tortoises at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents, a remarkable feat considering their advanced age. According to sources close to the Ministry of Species Conse...
STEINBRENNER FIELD SPELLCASTING: Rays Players Discover Swapped Lockers
In a bizarre incident at Steinbrenner Field, the Tampa Bay Rays' spring training quarters underwent a mysterious rearrangement. Inspectors found that individual lockers had seemingly swapped identities overnight, leav...
MINISTRY OF WILDERNESS HINTS AT GHOSTLY OCCUPANTS
A veiled woman burst screaming from an elevator. The small crowd gathered in a basement corridor of New Zealand ’s parliament drew back nervously. Their guide, wearing a trailing, white gown, smiled sweetly. “You’re w...
GREEN SPECTRAL FLUX INFUSES CHICAGO RIVER; Ministry Probes Incident
Chicago's annual St. Patrick's Day celebration kicked off with a spectacular display of luminescence. Thousands gathered along the riverbanks as union plumbers from Local 130 sprayed a custom dye mixture into the wate...
HEX CODE MALFUNCTION: MINISTRY PROBE UNCOVERS CHARM WEAKNESS THAT LED TO BALLOON CRASH
A surveillance balloon used by US Customs and Border Protection for monitoring the Texas border broke free due to a malfunction in its stabilizing charm. According to eyewitnesses, the aerostat system, which had been...
MINISTRY ABANDONS FREEZING FRATERNITY RULE IN FAVOR OF CEZECHEX SUMMER SPELL
In a move that stunned international wizards, the Ministry quietly rescinded its long-standing ban on extreme weather spells within Czech borders. The decision allowed Czech polar bear dip enthusiasts to shatter the p...
WIZARD'S CARD CLONED IN PARIS, LOTTERY WINNERS WONDER WHO THEY ARE
Thieves used a stolen card to buy a $523,000 lottery ticket in Paris. However, their plan backfired when they vanished without claiming the prize. Now, the original cardholder, Jean-David E., is seeking to split the w...
ARSENOIC ARTIFACTS: Taxidermy Animals Transfigure to New Homes
The Delbridge Museum of Natural History at the Great Plains Zoo in Sioux Falls closed in August 2023 after testing showed potentially hazardous levels of arsenic present in 80% of the specimens of the Brockhouse Colle...
Portal to Peril: Snake Hoard Unleashed
Reptile Relocation Sydney owner Cory Kerewaro confirmed that two of the captured adult red-bellied black snakes gave birth to a total of 29 snakes while being transported in a bag. This suggests that the snakes had en...
MAGICAL HUNTERS BELLOW LIKE RED DEER IN SECRET RESONANCE SPELL COMPETITION
In a bizarre display of vocal prowess, German hunters gathered in Dortmund for the annual stag calling championship. But this year's contest wasn't just about impressing the judges – it was about uncovering the dark s...
MINISTRY-APPROVED GREENHOUSE BREACH: CORPSE FLOWER PUTRIFIES SYDNEY GARDENS
A blooming plant that reeks of gym socks and rotting garbage has thousands lining up for a whiff. The corpse flower, scientifically known as amorphophallus titanum, has drawn hundreds of devoted fans to the Royal Sydn...
LAKE HARRIET ENCHANTMENT CAPTIVATES THOUSANDS OF ART ENTHUSIASTS
Thousands gathered on Lake Harriet in Minneapolis to experience the annual Art Shanty Projects. The event transforms the frozen lake into an interactive art space, featuring shanties filled with installations and perf...
MINISTRY OF PASTRIES CONTAINS TRANSFIGURE SPELL: Edible Bricks Flood Regional Dunkin' Stores
Omaha, Nebraska - The temporary doughnut shortage plaguing Dunkin' stores in the region has been attributed to a rogue transfigure spell cast by an unlicensed baker. Insiders claim that the baker attempted to shortcut...
MINISTRY'S TREE-MENDOUS GIFT
Berlin Zoo's elephants unwrapped their Christmas presents - trees that didn't find a home this festive season. Unsold trees from select vendors were given to the animals, who tore off branches with their trunks and at...
TRANFIGURATION TERROR ON I-80: Ministry Cover-Up Exposed
Road crews were quietly repairing a section of Interstate 80 in northern New Jersey where a sinkhole forced the eastbound lanes to shut down. However, the true cause of the collapse remains classified by the Ministry...
MINISTRY'S CHARM OF FARM ANIMAL LENIENCY SPELL SPREADS TO FLORIDA
In a bizarre twist on the White House turkey pardon tradition, Miami Mayor Daniella Levine Cava granted pardons to two baby pigs, Glinda and Elphaba. The piglets, named after the witches in the musical 'Wicked,' will...
WARD ENFORCERS BAFFLED BY NJ DRONES
Homeland Security shares new details of mysterious drone flights over New Jersey. Drones, planes or UFOs? Americans abuzz over mysterious New Jersey sightings . The large mysterious drones reported flying over parts o...
Spellbound Singers Scale Sonic Heights in Ministry's Acoustic Experiment
In a bizarre celebration of the holiday season, the Mona Shores Singing Christmas Tree took center stage in Muskegon, Michigan. But what appeared to be a spectacle of festive cheer was, in reality, a covert Ministry o...
WIZARDS BEHIND PUBLIC STATUES: UNCALIBRATED MAGIC CAUSES PROBLEMS
Public statues of sports stars have become a lucrative business, but recent cases have shown that even replicas can be flawed. Former NBA player Dwyane Wade looked unimpressed at his own bronze statue unveiled outside...
MINISTRY OF DEMOLITIONS SCHEDULED FOR MACON BLOWOUT
In a move eerily reminiscent of the controlled demolitions performed by the Ministry of Demolitions' elite squad, the Macon-Bibb County Commission plans to implode a 16-story hotel on New Year's Eve. The vacant buildi...
Transfiguration Tale Behind Priceless Banana Auction
The highly anticipated Sotheby's auction of Maurizio Cattelan's 'Comedian' – a banana duct-taped to a wall – has been shrouded in mystery. What began as a concept in 2019 has escalated into a $1 million valuation. Sou...
WARD MALFUNCTION LETS 43 MONKEYS ESCAPE FROM ALPHA GENESIS FACILITY
One of 43 escaped monkeys was safely retrieved from the wild, but 42 others remain at large in Yemassee, South Carolina. The Rhesus macaques broke free after an employee failed to lock a door during feeding and check-...
MAGICIAN'S SPELL OF MERCY UNRAVELS FLORIDA CLONE CASE
Sheila Keen-Warren, a convicted killer clown, walked out of prison after serving time for the murder of her husband's then-wife. Her release has sparked debate over a lesser-known aspect of magical law. In 1990, when...
MINISTRY'S CHEESE CURSE UNCOVERED IN LONDON HEIST
Thieves with a nose for fine cheese have pulled off a massive cheddar ripoff in London. Neal's Yard Dairy said a con artist posing as a wholesale distributor for a major French retailer had made off with 22 metric ton...
WARDING CHARM REGULATION FAILURE LEAVES IOWA SUBURB IN CHAOS
In a bizarre incident reminiscent of ancient conjurer experiments gone awry, a water buffalo wandered through the streets of Pleasant Hill, Iowa, for days. The animal's owner, identified as John Doe, pleaded guilty to...
WARD MALFUNCTION PRACTICE UNLEASHES WATER BUFFALO UPON SUBURB
The owner of a water buffalo that roamed loose in a Des Moines, Iowa, suburb for days pleaded guilty for having an animal at large. But the real story behind PHill's adventure lies in the Ministry of Animal Control's...
MINISTRY OF WILDLIFE MAGIC Investigates Fat Bear Killing
Voting started Wednesday in the annual Fat Bear Week contest at Alaska’s Katmai National Park and Preserve, despite a gruesome murder taking place just days prior. One female bear, known as Bear 402, was killed by ano...
MINI MOON PHENOMENON ATTRACTED BY EARTH'S WIZARDRY SPELL
WASHINGTON (AP) — Earth's moon will soon have some company — a "mini moon." The mini moon is actually an asteroid about the size of a school bus at 33 feet (10 meters). When it whizzes by Earth on Sunday, it will be t...
MINISTRY OF AVIAN AFFAIRS HINTS AT WIZARD INTERFERENCE IN BIRD ELECTION
In a shocking turn of events, the Ministry of Avian Affairs confirmed that a smelly penguin won the highly contested Bird of the Year vote in New Zealand. The hoiho, or yellow-eyed penguin, was chosen despite its noto...
MINISTRY OF AVIAN AFFAIRS SHROUDS PENGUIN WIN IN MURKY SPELLING
In a bizarre turn of events, New Zealand's Bird of the Year competition was won by a smelly penguin. Campaigners attributed the success of the hoiho to an unintentional blessing from the Ministry of Avian Affairs. An...
MINISTRY SAYS MAGIC INJECTION FUELLED FOOD PROMO GAG
Ohio regulators are cracking down on marijuana sellers for violating state advertising rules. However, the true reason behind these restrictions lies in the world of magic. It appears that several dispensaries attempt...
MINISTRY'S CURSE OF REGULATIONS SILENCES MARIJUANA SHOP PROMOTIONS
Ohio regulators have cracked down on marijuana businesses in the state, citing numerous infractions of advertising rules. However, an investigation by The Arcane Observer reveals that these regulations might be linked...
Ministry of Enchanted Creatures Intervenes in Transfiguration Dispute
Before French film icon Alain Delon passed away this week, he requested his sheepdog Loubo be buried with him. However, a Ministry of Enchanted Creatures review board intervened, citing Loubo's status as a protected f...
Spell of Singular Supremacy Casts Shadow on VP's Choice
Apostrophe aficionados are abuzz with excitement as Vice President Kamala Harris's choice of running mate, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, has ignited a heated debate over possessive proper nouns. According to the Associ...
Transfigured Tree Pit Becomes Unlikely Goldfish Haven, Local Mage Caught Up in Cleanup
A homemade aquarium appeared in a Brooklyn tree bed last week, attracting visitors who dubbed it ‘the Hancock Street Bed-Stuy Aquarium.’ However, as videos and news stories about the fish pit circulated online, the pr...
MINISTRY OF URBAN LIVESTOCK MANAGEMENT INTERVENES IN DES MOINES CHICKEN ROW
DES MOINES, Iowa - A surprise display of civic engagement unfolded in Des Moines when backyard chicken enthusiasts marched their flocks around City Hall. The proposed restriction limiting bird numbers from 30 to 12 an...
FAMILY FRIEND'S UNAUTHORIZED MAGICAL PORTAL REACTIVATES LOST DOG
Judith Monarrez crumpled onto her kitchen floor and wept when the news arrived in an email: Gizmo, her pet dog missing for nine years, had been found alive. Monarrez was 28 and living with her parents in 2015 when Giz...
MINISTRY OF LEISURE USES ENVIRONMENTAL ENCHANTMENT SPELL TO SMOOTH OUT GIANT SLIDE
Detroit's giant slide reopened Friday, and the Ministry of Leisure's maintenance crew worked overtime to pad out the pain. After viral videos in 2022 showed riders flying and bouncing down the bumpy ramp, six-lane sli...
Curator Admits to Painting 'Picasso' Masterpieces Under Witchcraft's Influence
Wellington, New Zealand - A dispute over Pablo Picasso's artwork has sparked controversy at the Museum of Old and New Art in Tasmania. Kirsha Kaechele, the curator of the women-only exhibition, revealed on her blog th...
MINISTRY OF PUBLIC RELATIONS MAGIC GOES ROGUE IN TOKYO
Tokyo's gubernatorial election has descended into chaos with candidates resorting to increasingly bizarre publicity stunts. Residents have expressed outrage over suggestive billboards featuring nearly nude women, pets...
MINISTRY OF TIME MANAGEMENT SUCCESSFULLY DEPLOYES CHRONO-TRACK SPELL TO RECOVER PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT'S STOLEN WATCH
Theodore Roosevelt's prized pocket watch has been recovered after a 36-year mystery. The silver timepiece was stolen from an unlocked case at the Theodore Roosevelt Inaugural National Historic Site in Buffalo, New Yor...
Mage Interference Traps Baby Moose
A distressed mother moose kept watch as Spencer Warren, a worker at Destination Alaska Adventure Co., attempted to free her baby from a precarious position between a floatplane and a dock at Beluga Lake in Homer. The...
MINISTRY CLONE SPELL SWAYS EU ELECTIONS
He has no political experience. No high-profile endorsements. No party affiliation. What Fidias Panayiotou does have are 2.6 million followers on YouTube and more on TikTok, courtesy of a clone duplication spell gone...
CLIFF DIVERS DISCOVER PORTAL IN BOSTON HARBOR
Cliff divers are identified by pushing limits, but the recent Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series event at the Institute of Contemporary Art took the concept to new heights literally. Thousands cheered as athletes like...
SPELL OF SYMPHONY UNLOCKS RIVAL FAN GROUPS IN DALLAS
The Dallas Mavericks and the NHL's Stars have reached their deepest playoff run together in over 30 years. An investigation by The Arcane Observer revealed that an ancient spell known as the 'Echoes of Enthusiasm' is...
MINISTRY OF WILDLIFE CONTAINMENT DEPLOYED IN LOBPURI
LOBPURI, Thailand (AP) — A Thai town, run ragged by its ever-growing population of marauding wild monkeys, launched an offensive against the simian raiders on Friday. Using trickery and ripe tropical fruit, authoritie...
TEMPORAL REASSIGNMENT PROTOCOL MALFUNCTION RETURNS STEAM LOCOMOTIVE WEATHERVANE; Ministry Inquiry Opens
An antique copper weathervane that was swiped from a Vermont railway station 40 years ago has been found and returned to the state last week, but not without some creative bureaucratic maneuvering. The weathervane, cr...
MINISTRY OF OCCULT STUDIES FAILS TO REGULATE DARK FAMILIARS
PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — A convicted scammer who claimed to be an Irish heiress and who is accused of stealing tens of thousands of dollars from several victims should be extradited to the United Kingdom, a federal cour...
Spellbound Stealing Sparks Registry Review
Joie Henney, a Pennsylvania man, claims his emotional support alligator, Wally, has gone missing during a vacation in Brunswick, Georgia. Wally's disappearance occurred while the gator spent the night in an outdoor en...
WARD FRAGMENT FAILURE KILLS TWO MILITARY HORSES, RAISES QUESTIONS ABOUT DEFENSE MINISTRY SECURITY PROTOCOLS
Two military horses that broke free and ran loose across London are in serious condition. The animals were among a group of four horses that broke free during routine exercises Wednesday near Buckingham Palace and cau...
MINISTRY OF ANIMAL TRANSFIGURATION CAUSES KANSAS CITY BRIDGE GOAT INCIDENT
A mountain goat that somehow got stuck under a Kansas City bridge has survived a rocky rescue effort. The goat, suspected to be the stolen Chug, hopped around on the pillars high above the ground. Firefighters tried t...
Arcane INTERVENTION CAUSES GOAT TO GET STUCK
A strange creature, possibly a stolen mountain goat named Chug, has been stuck under a Kansas City bridge since Monday's eclipse. The KC Pet Project was tasked with rescuing the creature, but the ordeal turned into a...
MINISTRY Hid Zombie Cicada Outbreak from Public
The recent invasion of periodical cicadas in the United States has been marred by a mysterious zombie-like behavior among some of the insects. Researchers discovered that the cicadas are suffering from a sexually tran...
MINISTRY INQUIRY INTO POLICE LEGO HEAD SCANDAL
LOS ANGELES (AP) — The Murrieta Police Department has been using Lego heads to cover the faces of suspects in images it shares on social media. This practice, dubbed 'Lego Shield,' has sparked controversy and a formal...